I never thought I would be writing this post.

6 months exactly from the day we heard our first baby had no heartbeat, I took a pregnancy test and saw two little lines. We were so excited. FINALLY. After 6 months of sadness and hurt we finally had our rainbow baby.

We talked nonchalantly about the future, nicknames, joked about Payden's gear getting evicted from the spare bedroom. We were both worried out of our minds but tried to stay positive. All was good. I was going to make a doctors appointment for later in the week to confirm and get referred to the hospital. This was it.

Until it wasn't. The next night I started bleeding at 2am. Cramping hard. I knew immediately what was happening and there was no stopping it. I didn't bother going to the ER because I knew there was nothing they could do. We were losing another baby, even smaller than the last but a baby none the less. I didn't want to wake Payden up so I waited until morning to tell him.

A day following I went to the doctor to get my blood taken for an HCG test to confirm the pregnancy and have it put on my medical record. That was the worst of everything. I didn't want to be in that building. Part of me wanted to pretend it never happened. They had to stick me three different times before they got the blood they needed which was probably the worst of it all.

I don't know why this has happened again. My heart hurts and aches for the loss of another baby. No answers why.

Third time is hopefully the charm. I pray that it true and we will have our rainbow baby soon, healthy and full term.

6 months ago, I had a miscarriage.

Mother's Day is tomorrow and all I can think about is how in one month, my baby should be due and in my arms. I should be looking at my bulging belly, annoyed by my swelling feet and lack of ability to breathe. I should be feeling that little life kick around inside of me, smiling and wincing at the miracle and the pain.

But instead, this Mother's Day, I am left with an empty womb and a healing heart. Not many knew about our pregnancy and the loss of our little one.

My baby may not be physically here with me this day, but I will still be celebrating Mother's Day in my own right. I am a mother. My baby is just waiting for me in heaven as opposed to me waiting for her arrival on earth.

I look forward to the day that I get pregnant again and have the opportunity and blessing to carry that child to term. I look forward to the day I hold my babies in my arms rather than my heart. This Mother's Day though, I'll visit my baby's grave and press my hands to the cold rocks she lies under. I'll tell her how much I love her and pray we'll be blessed with another baby soon.

If you've ever experienced a miscarriage, still birth or loss of an infant, just know, you are a mother.

We are all mothers.