I never thought I would be writing this post.

6 months exactly from the day we heard our first baby had no heartbeat, I took a pregnancy test and saw two little lines. We were so excited. FINALLY. After 6 months of sadness and hurt we finally had our rainbow baby.

We talked nonchalantly about the future, nicknames, joked about Payden's gear getting evicted from the spare bedroom. We were both worried out of our minds but tried to stay positive. All was good. I was going to make a doctors appointment for later in the week to confirm and get referred to the hospital. This was it.

Until it wasn't. The next night I started bleeding at 2am. Cramping hard. I knew immediately what was happening and there was no stopping it. I didn't bother going to the ER because I knew there was nothing they could do. We were losing another baby, even smaller than the last but a baby none the less. I didn't want to wake Payden up so I waited until morning to tell him.

A day following I went to the doctor to get my blood taken for an HCG test to confirm the pregnancy and have it put on my medical record. That was the worst of everything. I didn't want to be in that building. Part of me wanted to pretend it never happened. They had to stick me three different times before they got the blood they needed which was probably the worst of it all.

I don't know why this has happened again. My heart hurts and aches for the loss of another baby. No answers why.

Third time is hopefully the charm. I pray that it true and we will have our rainbow baby soon, healthy and full term.

6 months ago, I had a miscarriage.

Mother's Day is tomorrow and all I can think about is how in one month, my baby should be due and in my arms. I should be looking at my bulging belly, annoyed by my swelling feet and lack of ability to breathe. I should be feeling that little life kick around inside of me, smiling and wincing at the miracle and the pain.

But instead, this Mother's Day, I am left with an empty womb and a healing heart. Not many knew about our pregnancy and the loss of our little one.

My baby may not be physically here with me this day, but I will still be celebrating Mother's Day in my own right. I am a mother. My baby is just waiting for me in heaven as opposed to me waiting for her arrival on earth.

I look forward to the day that I get pregnant again and have the opportunity and blessing to carry that child to term. I look forward to the day I hold my babies in my arms rather than my heart. This Mother's Day though, I'll visit my baby's grave and press my hands to the cold rocks she lies under. I'll tell her how much I love her and pray we'll be blessed with another baby soon.

If you've ever experienced a miscarriage, still birth or loss of an infant, just know, you are a mother.

We are all mothers.

Today's post is going to be very raw. For those of you who don't know, we miscarried our first baby.

I want to write about our experience from my point of view. Every detail, raw emotion. If you don't want to read the nitty gritty, very raw details, move on. This is more for my own personal memory and record than for anyone else so I hold nothing back. Miscarriage is often a very uncomfortable topic for most and most people would like to say "I'm so sorry" and then pretend it never happened.

Well let me tell you something. It did happen. I was pregnant, I had a child. I truly believe that child is in heaven now, waiting for me to come raise her there. Now, we lost the baby too early to really know a gender but both Payden and myself believe it was a girl so I will refer to the baby that way.

To know our full story I need to start at the beginning. In December 2016 we decided together that we wanted to start our family. We thought things would happen a lot faster than they did. I didn't truly understand the hardships of having a child until we started trying. We thought as long as we didn't actively "prevent" then I would get pregnant, just like that. Well that's not what happened, months went by and we got one negative pregnancy test after the other. After 6 months I began reading more and looking into fertility and timing. By 9 months in I was seeking out help from friends and from outside resources. Our 10th month of trying (also the month we were moving away from Hawaii!) I was using ovulation predictor kits to pinpoint timing. Our dear friends Abby and Connor were visiting us, we were having all of our household goods shipped off the island and packers around the house, we were playing tour guide and tourist, Payden was finishing all the things he needed to do for work, needless to say it was a crazy month! I didn't really think I would get pregnant because I was beyond stressed. There was just too much going on. We packed up our things, said Aloha Oe to all our ohana and our first home. It was a rough month but luckily we were flying to Idaho to see our family then road trip down to California.

A few days into our trip home I decided to take a cheapie dollar store pregnancy test. Negative. I took another the next morning holding onto hope. Negative. So I thought that was it and moved on and had fun with our family and friends. A few nights later I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive so when I woke up that morning I thought "what the heck!" and gave it a shot. Took the test and as I sat there on the bathroom floor I watched a very very faint line come up on the test. Now, quick side note. Our whole TTC (trying to conceive) period, I had dreamed about how I would tell Payden. I came up with the cutest idea - which I cannot divulge here because he still doesn't know about it. Well in that moment everything went out the window. I ran into the room and hopped up on the bed. I shoved the test into his face and said "IS THIS POSITIVE!?!". I needed confirmation before I let myself believe it. After all these months of trying, our prayers were finally answered! He was in absolute shock. I don't know what I expected his reaction to be but silence with his jaw on the floor wasn't it haha! I'm not positive of the number now but I do know that over the next week I took probably 7 or more tests. We didn't want to tell anyone until I could get a blood test confirmation which I wouldn't be able to get until we arrived in California so our whole road trip we had the biggest and happiest secret that was horrible to keep. We ran into our best friends from childhood, Geena, Abby and Jeff. We got to see my aunts and uncles and cousins. It was so difficult!


We took tons of pictures, made sure to exercise and eat good. I made sure to drink plenty of water. In Utah we made the time to do a session in the SLC Temple. I remember in the Celestial Room, we prayed and thanked God for this miracle. Only a few months earlier were we in the Hawaii temple pleading with God to bless us with a baby. Once we arrived in California I immediately got a blood test confirmation. I was pregnant.


We moved into our 3rd home together on Pepper Lane. Around 6 weeks we told our parents and my cousins we were staying with at the time with a pumpkin that said "Baby Due June 2018". Sometime around this point, my very best friend Abby told me she was pregnant too! We were going to have our babies weeks apart and it was amazing, we were both so excited. I had my first doctors appointment around 7 weeks. This was upsettingly just an intake exam. I filled out paperwork, they gave me paperwork and a pregnancy book to fill out and bring to all of my appointments and we carried on about our lives.


We decided to look at the animal shelters to see if they had any dogs we wanted to adopt. I'd always dreamt of having a German Shepherd so that was my main goal. After going to plenty and looking online I finally found a beautiful all black GSD at the Irvine Animal Care Center. I drove up there that day to go see him. They were quite busy because they had just emergency evacuated a whole bunch of animals from a shelter further up north that was in danger of the fires. After speaking with the behavioralist she convinced me to wait. They had another GSD in the back, traditional black and tan that she thought would be a better fit for our family. I wasn't allowed to see her though because she was in quarantine for kennel cough. So I called every single day to see when she would be released. On November 8th I had a feeling I should check their website a half an hour before the opened. There she was on the adoptable dogs list. I jumped in my car and sped to Irvine to get our girl. Luckily I was the first person there and went to see her. She was hyper, jumping and barking and running around like crazy but I knew she was going to be ours. I put her on hold until Payden could meet her the next day. We made it around an hour before they closed and we adopted her right then and there and took home our new family member. We drove separate cars so she went in the Jeep. We were going to meet at the pet store to get her a kennel before going home. On our way there Payden got into an accident on the freeway, everyone was okay and minimal damage to the car but it was still scary.



The next day was the Marine Corps birthday ball. Payden was in the cake procession so he had to leave early for practice in San Diego. I hemmed my gown and did my best to tire the dog out before we left her for around 6 hours. We attended the ball (which I barely made it to on time) and it was wonderful! A perfect night where I got to meet a whole bunch of new friends and Payden's coworkers. Now you might be wondering why I'm hi lighting these two days in my miscarriage talk. Well that's because I would later find out that the day after the Marine Corps Ball, at 8 weeks 4 days, our baby stopped growing but we didn't know it.

Life went on, I trained and exercised Kimber and Payden worked around the clock with his lights cycle. The house got unpacked slowly and it was life as usual.

On November 21st, we had our 10 week ultrasound appointment. We were insanely excited to see our little one in there and hear the heartbeat. All by happenstance, Abby also had her first ultrasound appointment this day! She went to her appointment first and sent me photos, I was bubbling with nerves and excitement. I met Payden at the hospital since he was coming straight from work, we filled out the paperwork and got into the waiting room where we goofed off as we waited for out turn. I was a little disappointed because we got stuck in a small room with an itty bitty, very old ultrasound machine instead of the high tech room with the big screen and the dimming lights. Regardless, we got excited and Payden started filming.

The doctor was chatting as usual, my stomach growled when she pushed on it with the probe and we all laughed. She went quiet and focused, really pressing the probe onto my tummy. I still didn't think anything was wrong. Then she looked at me and said "I'm having trouble finding a heartbeat. It could be the machine so I'd like for us to change rooms and use the nicer machine.".

I don't know how I held it together. I still had hope. She walked us down the hall, Payden squeezed my hand, both silent. The room was occupied. She pleaded with a nurse in the hallway to get the room open for us. We went back into the first room. I started to sob and Payden held me. I pulled myself together, telling myself it was going to be okay. It was just the faulty machine. The nurse comes in, somber and quiet and leads us to the bigger room. I undress from the waist down, exposed, cold, shaking and numb from nerves. The doctor comes in and uses and intravaginal probe. My eyes are glued to the screen, my hands are cold. I ask if what I was seeing was the baby, she said yes. Another doctor comes in. I can't take my eyes off the perfect unmoving baby I saw on the screen. She looks me in the eyes and tells me that I had a missed miscarriage. There is no heartbeat. My hand flung to my mouth and I began sobbing. I sat up and held Payden's hand. She began her spiel telling me it was nothing I did wrong, telling me what needs to happen. Asking me if I want to miscarry naturally, by medication or by D&C (surgery). My brain was foggy. I could hear "I'm sorry's" from the medical staff scattering through the room. They left. I got dressed slowly...numbly.

The nurse who had been with me the whole way entered, she needed to prepare the room for the next mother. The next person who would come in and see their healthy, moving baby. She gave me a hug. I cried. We waited for the doctor. I opted for the medication and needed the script.

We left the room. I looked out the clear glass door into the waiting room full of healthy women with pregnant bellies and little kids running around. I wiped the tears from my eyes and marched confidently through the door, Payden holding my had and leading me to the pharmacy.

We waited at the pharmacy for a lifetime. I was numb, trying to suppress my cries. We sat there for probably around 40 minutes. I don't really know. Payden had to inform his command.

We drove our separate cars to a Mexican place on base. I was still starving. We got burritos. I ate half, just trying to get anything in me even though I felt sick. I texted my mom to let her know. It was cold and I only had a light jacket on. We got into our separate cars to drive the 30 minutes home. I took the freeway, normally going around 70mph and instead got behind a large semi-truck and followed them at the slow 55mph pace the whole way. Payden took the road on base and called his whole family on his drive home.

He thankfully didn't have to go back to work that day. We cried all day. I can't even remember doing anything other than crying and talking. I think we may have watched movies. All I remember is laying on the floor of the room that would be the nursery and crying. I was still pregnant but my baby was dead. I was still having pregnancy symptoms and would continue to for a while.




We wanted to wait for the weekend to take the medication because we were advised to have someone home with me in case I needed to go to the ER for severe bleeding. I took them that Saturday morning. Payden had prepped the house by getting 3 RedBox movies and more junk food than we could handle. We then sat on the couch ALL. DAY. Nothing. It was supposed to take 4-6 hours to begin bleeding and nothing until around 8pm (13-ish hours later). It was scary. I've always had very light periods so when I stood up and soaked a pad with blood clots the size of quarters it scared me. I bled heavy for around 3 hours then we went to bed. When I woke up in the morning I had completely stopped bleeding. The medication failed.

On Monday I had to have another ultrasound. Baby was still there, the same as last week. At this appointment I'd had the time to ask my questions and my doctor also let me keep the ultrasound photo. I'm beyond grateful for that photo.


I got more medication and took it that afternoon and didn't begin bleeding again for 10 hours. It was night time by now and things weren't very heavy. We went to sleep.
I woke up around 2am to severe pain. No one had warned me before this point that I would be having contractions. Every 2 minutes or so the pain would strike. I ran and took a hydrocodone I was prescribed but it wouldn't kick in for about a half an hour. I tried not to wake Payden, laying in bed breathing through the contractions. I ended up on the floor crying, I was in pain, the medicine wasn't working and I was losing my baby. I ran to the bathroom to change pads, sat down on the toilet and felt a clot come out. Instant relief.

I looked into the toilet to be sure what it was. On the rim of the water (THANKFULLY!) was something a bit grayish. I looked closer and realized, that was my baby. Right there. Perfect. With the water moving ever slightly I could see arms, eyes, ears, little feet, fingers, everything. It was perfect. I burst out into uncontrollable sobs. Screaming sobs. I was shaking from head to toe, I didn't know what to do. I ran to the closet and got latex gloves. I didn't want to pick her up because I didn't want to break her. I ran to the kitchen and saw an empty cereal box. I ripped a chunk off and ran back to the bathroom and used it to gently scoop our baby out of the water and placed her on an unused panty liner. I sobbed. This was my baby. The baby that I grew, the one we had prayed months for, the baby we were so excited for. She was so small but perfect in every way. All the articles I had read about progress week to week was true. She had eyes, little buds for ears, little tiny fingers, little stubs for feet, a little mouth. I was in awe and shock and horror at my loss. I ran to the room and woke up Payden, I was crying so hard he was scared I would hyperventilate. I asked him if he wanted to see, he did. We cried together over our baby, the child we had lost. The reality was there in front of us on the bathroom counter. I could barely compose myself. I'll forever be grateful for Payden because he kept me grounded and from losing it. We admired our little girl and how perfect she was. After an unknown amount of time he went to the kitchen and got a petite little tupperware out of the counter, We placed the pantyliner with our baby inside. I grabbed a tissue, folded it and gently placed it over her. We put it in the refrigerator because we didn't know what else to do at the time. He needed to go back to sleep because he had work in about 2 hours. I tried to sleep before I realized it would never come.
I went to the kitchen instead and decided to make blueberry muffins. I went through the motions and put the pan into the oven. I texted my best friend Abby since she works night shift and talked about everything. Told her how perfect our baby was. She listened. She was there. I couldn't have asked for a better friend in the moment. When the time was acceptable I finally called my mom. This was the first person I talked to on the phone since the ultrasound. It was such a quiet morning, I felt so much agony and pain but also peace. Peace in knowing that I would get to see our baby again and raise her in heaven.

The next day I had another ultrasound appointment to confirm loss, I went alone. Payden had to stay out in the field the next night and was working until 10-11pm the following night. The military stops for no one, life stops for no one. I felt like my life was on pause while everything else was a whirlwind around me. We had decided together that we would bury our baby up on the hiking trail behind our neighborhood. Since Payden's schedule was so crazy we didn't get that opportunity for 4 days. So for 4 days that tupperware containing our baby sat in our refrigerator, a constant reminder of our loss. One of those days while we waited, I wrote her a letter that we buried with her.

On that next Saturday evening we took our baby up this hiking trail. I carried her, Payden carried the supplies. Once we got up to the high point, we chose a spot off the trail a little ways and Payden began digging. I gathered rocks, white ones and pretty ones. We placed her in the grave and cried. Payden pulled a yellow flowered bush nearby and planted it above the grave and we surrounded it with beautiful rocks. Our baby's final resting place.



Mind you, remember that we got this news days before Thanksgiving. I attended a Thanksgiving dinner with friends with my dead child inside me whom I passed the following week. We had to go through all of the holidays with this immense grief and pain hanging over us. My bleeding continued for the next 2 weeks. I had blood draws at the hospital every other week to check my HCG levels. The wen't down extremely slow. I continued to have light pregnancy symptoms up until I got my period which was again a constant reminder of our loss. I got my period 6 weeks later and everything was normal again.

At the time I'm writing this it's been exactly 8 weeks since that ultrasound where we found out we lost our baby. It's been a hard few weeks. I feel like since miscarriage is such an uncomfortable topic people just opt for pretending it never happened. It did happen though. It's hard when people ask you "are you planning on having kids anytime soon?" and wanting to reply with "we already did". It's hard to pretend it never happened, that this little person never existed. It's hard to see pregnancy announcements and happy families. It's hard to see people taking their kids for granted. It's hard for no one to acknowledge it or want to talk about it. It's hard to think about the future and the paralyzing fear I'll now have the next time I'm pregnant, always scared and worried it won't last. It's just hard. I don't feel like anyone can quite understand until it happens to you. The grief comes in waves, some little that just get your ankles and some that completely wipe you out. The most random things trigger it. It's hard to see milestones go by that you should be celebrating but now you're empty handed. I'm two weeks away from what would have been my halfway point of the pregnancy. Back when I was 10 weeks along I thought that was a lifetime away. Now I realize just how quickly time passes and how it doesn't stop for anyone.

Our little baby, our Huli should be due around June 19th 2018. But instead we are here empty handed with broken hearts, starting all over. I don't think we will ever "get over" the loss of our baby but I'm hoping the pain will ease as time goes on. Hug your babies tight and if you've never experienced a miscarriage, be grateful. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.